"Grief is love's souvenir. It's our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price."

-- "Love Warrior" by Glennon Doyle Melton

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!

I'm so sick and tired of justifying my heart, my losses, my grief, my struggles, my everything, with those that still live in the notion that grief is a something that just evaporates over time.

It doesn't -- it isn't supposed to!  It is the love left behind that morphs into grief - and grief isn't always sad.  Some times grief is joy in the moment, with a slight discoloring because of the missing puzzle piece that will always be missing.  It just is.  And it just will always be.  And it is okay for it to be that way. To always have a missing piece -- who in the world is ever entirely whole anyway? Was I whole before the dominoes fell?  Maybe I thought I was, but no. I couldn't have been.  I hadn't held my baby girl and kissed her little nose yet.  I hadn't journeyed across an ocean to volcanic lands.  I hadn't pushed myself through school for a second time to walk the stage in front of hundreds of people to prove that I could. Every little step, or big one, shapes a person - no one is ever complete.  

A walk with my angel

I went up an elevator to the top of a cliff and wandered beautiful gardens with my angel at my side.

I went up to the falls, stood on the bridge and looked down - she looked with me.

I crossed the Bridge of the Gods with my angel in the front seat. She held my hand.

I drove one lane roads all over Oregon and Washington with her by my side.

I crossed the Hood River bridge with her cheering me on.

I saw a sign for a lavender farm and heard her whisper, “go there” where she walked with me through the flowers.

I stood on the Pacific Crest Trail as close to touching her in heaven as I could get, walking with her among the mountain wildflowers and cool winds.

I crossed the 405 bridge to drive to the coast with her holding my hand - I was so tired, but she said “you've got this Mellie”. And I did.

I drove a twisting, turning, hair raising one lane road to the ocean, through towering forests and past cliffs and vistas - with her by my side. She never doubted I'd make it there.

I took a wrong turn and ended up on the scariest one lane road up a cliff through the Oregon rain canopy - the land that time forgot - and I could hear her tell me “I did it in St Vincent - you can do it here - I will bring you home to your babies”. She never left my side, and talked me down the road too. 

I walked the ocean shore with tears streaming down my face and I felt her like never before. I felt them all – all of the angels that walk with me, I saw them in the waves, in the surf, with the white sky above and the sun shining on my face. I felt their arms. I felt their grace. I felt their love. I felt their peace. It was the most precious, spiritual, awakening I have ever had. I felt God - and I looked into the face of eternal love and redemption, of forgiveness, of beauty, of life. I was saved - delivered from fear, anxiety and hopelessness - my angel sat on the sand right next to me and said to my heart “I love you Mellie”.

And then she sent me home to be with my babies. I am so blessed. ❤️

What if…

What if I allowed myself to heal?

What if I put the pain behind me?

What if I hugged the monster and let the anxiety flow through me instead of running from it? 

What if I gave life an even bigger hug?

What if I trusted myself again?

What if I trusted God again? What if I let Him lead me again?

What if I replaced the tears with laughter instead? 

What if I just accepted life for what it is – completely unpredictable – and stopped trying to control it?

What if I have another 60 years to fix all that I've lost in the last 6?

What if I surrendered? 

What if instead of embracing fear, I embraced adventure instead? 

What if I let go, and just let it be?

What if I turned yelling into loving?

What if I made every day of their lives the best days of mine? 

What if I forgave myself for every thought that ever terrified me, and vowed to always ignore them from this day on? 

What if I just rocked this mommy thing?

What if I just rocked this life thing?

What if I just rocked it all?!!

I think it's time. I think my world is going to open up a lot – if I can just run towards it instead of cowering away from it.

It's time to put on my “pack” and find my “Wild” – it's time to claim my life back, 1000 miles at a time!!

Time to love my life again!!!!

I am.

The question was posed to me -- answer "Who am I?"

What an impossible question. Here's my best shot...

I AM:

I am strong
I am here
I am smart
I am worth it
I am lucky
I am happy
I am beautiful
I am good
I am well
I am not a victim
I am not a coward
I am healing
I am courageous
I am brave
I am heart strong
I am alive
I am wonderful
I am a great mother
I am a force in this world
I am the top of the tree
I am victorious
I am living
I am loving
I am loyal
I am funny
I am clever
I am soft
I am who God wants me to be
I am divine
I am bold
I am a creator of life
I am a child of God
I am valuable
I am original
I am witty
I am resourceful
I am dedicated
I am committed
I am soulful
I am anointed
I am equipped

I am blessed.

Kindergarten

Tomorrow I register her for kindergarten. Tomorrow.

How could it be that time already? How could it be time for her to go?

I think of you, Mom and when you sent me off to school for the first time, and it makes me miss you all the more.

I am living this parallel life and have been for the past five years, since you've been gone. Since we were both 37, when we had baby girls, I wonder how you felt when you saw me do the things I watch Grace doing now. What was I like for you when I was five? What was in your heart watching me when I was five? I'll always wonder. I wish I could ask you now. If heaven had a phone, I'd run up the craziest bills to talk to you.

She's almost five now, Mom. She's the most amazing human being, surprising me every day with what she knows and where she goes. I know she will be fine in school, but I'm just not ready for her to be old enough to go yet.

Will I ever be ready? Probably not, and yet time marches on nonetheless.

Cha cha

Seems like I take three steps forward and two steps back.

Some days I am full of confidence ready to take back my life, convinced that I am over the worst of it -- ready to be me again.

Then WHAM! Smacked back to the past, overrun by grief, clobbered by inconsolable tears.

That was what happened the weekend I found your note, Mom. It was horrible. I miss you to my bones and you know it. You keep pushing me forward and I keep losing my way.

I know you want me to move foreword and I want that too. It's a lot harder than I thought it would ever be.

I wish I could run home to you. I wish I could walk into the kitchen and see you sitting there in your chair, reading the paper, or doing the Jumble, or watching M.A.S.H.

I wish I could sit and have you play with the kids. I would love to watch you, watching them. She's amazing, Mom. She would wrap you around her heart and never let you go. And our boy - oh how he would steal you away. His chocolate eyes would mesmerize you as much as they do me.

I found your note, from 20 years ago. From when I felt invincible. From when I was ready to take on the world. From when I believed in myself to conquer my future.

It broke my heart.

I'm not that wild child anymore. I'm tired. I'm beat down. I waged a war with life and had my ass handed back to me.

I miss me.

I know what you're trying to tell me with the signs that you send. You want me to find her again. You want me to uncover the girl with that spirit that you admired and marveled at. You want me to be free again. I want that to.

How do I get there? How do I leave the pain behind?

That's the $10,000,000 question. And I barely have a nickel.

I'll figure it out somehow. I'm not a quitter. I just wish I didn't have to - I wish I could wave a wand and set things right again.

If wishes were kisses...

Forest for the trees

Don't miss the forest for the trees. That is how I had always viewed life before - don't get lost in the mundane every day, but rather look at the big picture.

And then we lost so much, so quickly and the big picture didn't seem so big anymore - everything shrunk and became so fragile! Add in a few kids, who then suddenly the fragile is now wafer thin.

It's time to start pulling back the view and get back into the big picture. The microscope that I have been looking through for too long has really distorted how I see things now.

It's time to get back to being the girl who would think nothing of running away for the weekend to go rafting or to go skiing. I can't be the girl that is a afraid anymore of the "what ifs", even if I am. Time is not standing still for me, so why am I standing still for another time?

Moving forward is hard but maybe it's the hard that makes it great.